Notes from the Centre of Neutrality: Switzerland Gets New Name

gt. 29. Nov., Bern. It has been well documented by the international media already that the people of Switzerland went to the polls this weekend to vote on whether convicted criminals who are not holders of a Swiss passport should face acrimonious expulsion from Europe’s landlocked centre of neutrality.

The initiative was comprehensively backed. One right wing SVP (Swiss People’s Party) party member was quoted off the record as saying, ‚well you know, the rest of Europe is becoming increasingly xenophobic, and whilst we would never want to be associated with the rest of the Europe, it seems foolhardy to fall too far behind the times. It’s important to be aware of fashions even if you only choose the jacket without wearing the matching trousers‘.

Well, quite.

All of this is very thought provoking of course, but what seems to have slipped under the radar of the international media is Switzerland’s other referendums over the weekend.

First of all, there was some socialist leftist malarkey about making the extremely rich give a little bit extra back to society, which was of course rejected, as it’s generally the Swiss passport holders, not immigrants who are the highest earners –  so that was a no-brainer really.

Most interestingly of all however, was the ratification of a motion to re-name Switzerland.

Didn’t you hear about this?

By way of a mind bogglingly massive and unexpectedly huge u-turn, the Swiss have decided to buck their natural inclinations and develop a sense of humour. Riding on a huge wave of popularism, and belly rubbing chuckles, Switzerland shall , as of the 1st January, forthwith, be known as Irony Coast.

The ultimate irony of course being that it has no coast line – although they do call their lakes ’seas‘, so technically have a coast line larger than that of their near-namesake, Ivory Coast. But this is all nit-picking and quibbling.

Finally the Swiss will literally be laughing all the way to the bank. They always have of course, but before it was more of an inner monologue – the type that can destroy your social world and all job prospects when it drunkenly escapes your lips at the work Christmas party. Now however, the Swiss are actively encouraging each other to laugh haughtily, and whimsically mock themselves as they skip gaily to the bank to pay in the money they’ve saved on their taxes. This, it is hoped, will lay the ground for a new friendlier, self-deprecating atmosphere which will lighten everyone’s mood, therefore acting as a natural antidote to any potential naughty thoughts.

Swiss politicians were even seen leading the way recently, as Hans-Rudolf Merz found unfathomable amusement  in a very drab announcement giving „some informations“ on new legislation on meat imports and tax tariffs. This speech, which has soared to number 3 in the YouTube comedy charts, eventually crescendoed into mass collective Bundesrat hysterics when Merz struck a blow for all politicians and part-time comedians as he delivered his punch line – „B-B-B-B-Bundnerfleisch“. The Swiss, or „Ironics“ as they are soon to be known, are hoping it will be the Christmas number 1.

Unfortunately, that was Merz’s last appearance at the newly-named „Bundersrat Institution for the Comedic Highground“, or BITCH for short, especially as he was expected to make an excellent Colonel Gaddafi at their next gathering, which is being streamlined to coincide with Parliament’s Christmas fancy dress party, where all guests are invited to come dressed as their favourite racist, megalomaniacal thugs from history. Christoph Blocher, the leader of the SVP, has already publicly declared that he will be going as the Prophet Mohammed, once again showing his unquestionable understanding of history, the wider world, and heart-warming sensitivity. We salute you Christoph!

The future for Irony Coast therefore appears bright and friendly, as its people under the guidance of such wise and enlightened leaders, stride purposefully forward with their newly found ability to not-take-themselves-so-fucking-seriously, and so lighting a torch on the darkened tunnel of international peace and harmony.

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